A head’s up: This tip will take you more than the promised two-minutes or less to read, but it is so important that it is worth a few extra minutes of your time.

As a parent, how can you motivate your kids to engage in desirable behaviors without nagging, threatening, bribing or otherwise losing what may be left of your self-respect? Can you get them to do their homework, get ready for school on time, pick up their room, do the dishes, practice the piano or other normal daily activities without getting into a power struggle? Believe it or not, there really are ways to get kids motivated without leaving you exhausted, furious, or embarrassed. They are called Reward Systems, and they are most successful when combined with the principle of Logical Consequences.

Before I tell you what such Reward Systems look like, however, you need to know a few basics of Behavior Modification (1960’s-speak for manipulation!).

1. Parental Attention. This is the most powerful motivator there is for kids. And if they do not receive positive attention from their parents, they will take what they can get - negative attention is better than none at all. What is the positive-to-negative ratio of parental attention in your household?

2. Immediacy. Behaviors are more likely to occur again when they are followed immediately by something positive, and they are less likely to recur when followed by something negative. You are no doubt thinking, “Duh!!” And I agree. The problem is, when parents are caught up in emotional struggles with their kids, they sometimes forget the most basic things. Ask yourself:
   • What do I do immediately after my kids do something I really like?
     
   • What do I do immediately after they do something I really do NOT like?
     
   • Am I unintentionally reinforcing negative behaviors and failing to reward positive ones?

3. Intermittent Reinforcement (IR). This is the best way to guarantee that a behavior will continue. IR means that a reward occurs at an unpredictable (intermittent) frequency. It is the potent force behind slot machine gambling as well as kids whining for a cookie at the grocery store.

   It only takes occasionally giving in for the whining-for-a-cookie behavior to persist and escalate. When you give in (usually to spare yourself embarrassment), you have unintentionally rewarded obnoxious behavior, guaranteeing that it will reoccur. On the other hand, occasionally giving positive parental attention to desired behaviors increases the odds that those will occur again (e.g., a loving pat as you thank your son for setting the table without being asked).

4. Withholding Reinforcement. To decrease the frequency of unwanted behaviors, the most effective means is simply to ignore it. This will apply to all but the most severe or dangerous behaviors (e.g., violence; severe sibling conflict). Unfortunately, parents often ignore the good behaviors their kids do, and give too much negative attention (reinforcement) to the unwanted behaviors.

   Here is how withholding reinforcement can be used to reduce “cookie whining”. As you enter the store, briefly and matter-of-factly explain that there will be no cookie at the store and that you will not be changing your mind. Then brace yourself for an intense assault guaranteed to leave you longing to dash out of the store in shame. The behavior will almost certainly worsen at first. This is because behavior that has been reinforced increases for awhile after the reinforcement is withdrawn, and then it begins to drop off. Thus, you simply ignore the whining behavior. Do not engage with your child AT ALL as long as he/she is pestering. If the whining stops, re-engage in a low-key, loving way, making no reference to the cookie business. (This is rewarding non-whining behavior.) As you leave the store, compliment him/her on learning not to whine. If the whining does not stop, and you complete your shopping without caving in, congratulate yourself! You are exhausted but victorious! At least for round one!

Reward Systems and Logical Consequences: Now that you have a few basics of Behavior Modification under your belt, let’s see how they apply to creating a Reward System for your kids. The most effective Reward Systems are simple and monitored primarily by the child. In a nutshell, they involve immediate, positive rewards for desired behaviors while ignoring negative behaviors. A child’s failure to complete a desired behavior is only indirectly “punished” in that the child loses an opportunity to get a reward.

The logical consequences associated with reward systems are determined ahead of time and are immediately linked to behaviors in some reasonable and logical way. Natural consequences, in contrast, naturally follow a behavior when there is no intervention. For example, if your child forgets to pack her lunch, she will be hungry (natural consequence) unless she spends her own money to buy lunch (logical consequence). Of course, dad can give her money to buy lunch or bring her lunch to the school, but then “forgetting to pack her lunch” has just been rewarded. Both natural and logical consequences help children to become more independent and responsible.

How to Set up a Reward System:

1. Working with your kids, decide on specific, concrete behaviors that earn rewards when done spontaneously or with 1-2 prompts (e.g., make bed; get dressed; homework; load/unload dishwasher; hang clothes; fold laundry; not arguing with a sibling during dinner [or other specific time frame]). ADD children may require more prompting, but be careful not to reward dawdling.

2. Decide together what the reward will be (e.g., make bed=one check mark; completing homework by a set time=5 checkmarks).

3. Create a chart the kids can use to add checkmarks while a parent monitors. Alternatively, use a jar into which beads, pennies or marbles are added. One jar per child.

   

4. Jointly determine the value of each checkmark or bead (e.g., 10 checkmarks = 15 minutes of screen time; 25 checkmarks = trip to the mall).

5. Once earned, checkmarks (beads) are never taken away. Keep in mind that the failure to earn a checkmark is itself the “punishment”. If the chart or jar becomes associated with punishment or disapproval for the child, the value of it as a reward system is soon lost.

6. Have your child tally the checkmarks weekly to “cash them in” for the agreed-upon reward. It is crucial that you, the parent, not fail to follow through with the reward. Rewards vary according to what motivates the child as well as his/her age (e.g., screen time for a pre-teen boy; cash for a teenager; a new book or toy of predetermined cost for a younger child).

Putting it all together: Now let’s take those behavioral principles and the reward system to tackle the growing dilemma of parents and kids battling over “screen time”. Screen time here refers to computer games, video games, TV, instant messaging and other electronics that threaten family peace as well as your kid’s neurons. The down sides of excessive screen time are a topic unto itself, but trust me it needs to be limited. Let’s suppose your 9 year-old son has developed the fine art of pestering, wheedling, and arguing to get far more video game time than you believe is good for him. You have two behaviors to target: (1) pestering and (2) screen time.

Here’s the plan:

1. You (the parent) decide how much daily or weekly screen time you think is okay. If you are not sure, a general rule of thumb for a 9 year-old is no more than 30 minutes per day.

2. Screen time is a privilege not a right. In conversation with your son, decide how many checkmarks/beads he will need to earn in order to have 15 minutes of screen time. (Blocks of less than 15 minutes are likely to be frustrating and thus de-motivating.)

3. Unless your child is unusually cooperative, you can count on this not being very well received. But stand firm. It is truly in your child’s best interest for screen time limits be set now, before the stormy years of adolescence arrive.

4. Encourage your son to take responsibility for setting up the chart or jar of beads. This will help him to become invested in the process.

5. A caveat: the TV and computer should be in the family room or other public space, never in the kids’ bedrooms. This goes for children of all ages, including teens. There is simply no other way to protect your children and to monitor what they are being exposed to.

Rewards, ADD Kids, and Delayed Gratification: We are an impatient nation, and our children have the same difficulties we do in waiting for what we want. For children with ADHD-primarily hyperactive/impulsive type, the ability to delay gratification is virtually nonexistent. The Reward System described above, however, works well for ADD kids because the immediate reward is the checkmark on the chart or the bead in the jar. A drawing or photo of the longer-term reward can be posted on the chart or jar to help strengthening the capacity for patience.

Have fun with this! You will be amazed at how much easier life can be.