This week’s focus is on the importance of clear boundaries for ADD couples.  What exactly do I mean by “boundaries”?  Basically, your boundary is where you end and another person begins - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Healthy boundaries are flexible enough to allow you to know and to be known without losing your own sense of self or engulfing the other person.
 
In my work with couples, I often encounter a pattern in which the boundaries between the ADD and non-ADD partners become very blurred.  In this pattern, the non-ADD partner allows far too many violations of boundaries, and the ADD partner unwittingly intrudes upon the boundaries of the other.  For example, the non-ADD partner may be quite good at organization and planning while the ADD partner is so caught up in the present moment that he/she does no planning or organization.  The non-ADD partner may therefore step in to do the planning and organization and to tell the ADD person what to do.  This is not necessarily problematic if it only occurs occasionally, but when it becomes a pattern, it typically leads to significant problems in the relationship.  The “responsible” partner becomes increasingly resentful (and exhausted) while the ADD partner feels increasingly guilty – a guilt that often leads to irritability and anger.

If this sounds like your relationship, what can you do?  For starters, acknowledge the pattern.  Using the language of “boundaries” can be a very helpful way to communicate with one another.  Of course, it can also become yet another tool for hitting one another over the head!!  So tread carefully!

Whether you have ADD yourself or live with someone who does, ask yourself how you set your own boundaries.  Are they flexible enough that you can accommodate the needs of others without being so flexible that others dictate your life?  Are you able to tell another person when they have intruded too far into your boundaries?  Are you able to hear it when others tell you that you are intruding on theirs?  Remember this general principle:  No one can intrude on your boundaries unless you let them.  On the other hand, encountering the boundaries of others is an opportunity for growth.